Well, Penguins, you haven't gotten off to the greatest of starts this season. Right now, you're 7-8-1. Pretty bad for a team with your talent.
You're 19th out of 30 teams on the power play. That's just not going to cut it. You supposedly have two of the top three players in the world. I'm talking to you, Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin. With that kind of fire-power, your scoring should be up whether you're on a power play, a penalty kill, or 5 on 5. I'm no hockey expert, but even I know that.
And Mark Andre Fleury. What's your problem? I mean, one minute, you're stopping a sniper shot with your eyes closed and then the next minute, someone slowly bounces a puck towards you and you let it trickle between your legs like a seeing-eye basehit. Pick up your game. I stick up for you all the time.
I know what you guys are going to say. Yes, you've made the playoffs four straight years. Yes, you were in the Stanley Cup Finals two years in a row and you even won it in '09. And, yes, NHL rosters are always changing because of the salary cap, so each year, the dynamic is different, and the chemistry could be off, even with an elite core of players. Heck, Jordan Staal hasn't played at all this year. Maybe you're just due for a bad season. Hell, maybe you're even entitled to it because you've done so much over the last few years.
Well, personally, I don't care that much. I'm not a huge hockey fan, but I have a girlfriend and she adores you guys, especially you, Sid. Most of you probably don't know what it's like to have a woman in your life, but just to clue you in, the number one rule is to keep your woman happy. When she's happy, that's good for business.
Let's face it, I screw up a lot, and when you guys are doing great, and Sid's scoring hat-tricks and beating the Flyers, it provides a nice little diversion for my screw ups. It's a great filter between my screw ups and her reaction. It's a long season, and I can't have you guys floundering at the bottom the standings for the entire year. That would be bad for business.
And my girlfriend isn't the only woman who loves you guys. A lot of women do. I hear them talking all the time. They sit around and chat about how hot you Penguins are. I haven't seen this kind of thing since the heydey of 'N Sync.
Sid, did you know you have luscious lips that are just made for kissing? That's what I hear. And, apparently, hockey players have the hottest bodies of all the professional athletes. Well, lately, those hot bodies have been skating around the Consol Energy Center like lifeless zombies.
I don't know what these women see in you guys, really. To me, you're just a bunch of weird looking Canadians who talk funny and spout absurd hockey cliches. What's that about?
Like for example, "it's hard to win the first home game after a long road trip." Oh yeah, that makes sense cause I know when I'm away for an extended period of time, I HATE being home. I mean, the familiar bed. It sucks! No, give me hotel sheets and crabs.
Oh, and another one that I think is funny and pretty fitting considering how last night went. "You know what they say, the hardest lead to protect is a 2-goal lead in the 3rd period." What? Oh yeah, it's the same way in the NFL. Teams really hate having two-touchdown leads in the 4th quarter. It's a real pain in the butt. Nope, they'd rather be trailing by three-scores and have to come all the way back.
Look, the bottomline is you guys are way too talented to be playing this way. If you're not going to do it for yourselves, do it for the women out there who love you and the men who love them!
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