I know this is a sports blog, but this has been a life-altering week for me, and I always find writing therapeutic. And I figured why not write about my recent break up with my girlfriend, Jess?
My ex girlfriend and I were dating for over three years, and it was one of those relationships that had the potential to go the distance.
I was devastated by it at first (and quite honestly, I won't be right for a while), but that just means that I care. If you can't feel devastated and depressed after a three-year relationship comes to an end, well, it must not have been a very good relationship.
But, the fact of the matter is, it was A TREMENDOUS relationship. It was top-notch. It was the kind of relationship I never thought I'd find.
When my girlfriend and I first got together, it was awesome. In fact, over the course of the three years, it was mostly awesome.
But break ups do happen for a reason, and since this is a sports blog, I can use a sports metaphor. Teams win championships not just because they do the major things, they win championships because they do the little things, the intangibles.
In the beginning of a relationship, when two people are really into each other and want to please one another, they not only do the big things, they do the little things really well.
My girlfriend was the one who initiated the break up, and I did not take it very well. I did all the cliched things that people normally do when they see a relationship coming to an end.
I didn't act myself, and I said some pretty mean and crazy things. It happens. I apologized to my girlfriend, but it was a half-hearted apology, and I still put the blame mostly on her and didn't really accept my part in it.
Was I justified in my anger? I think so, but I had no business saying some of the things I said. And since it's probably awkward to apologize directly to my ex, I guess I can use the blogging universe to apologize. Obviously, if I really believed she was any of the things I said to her the night of the break up, I wouldn't have been with her as long as I was. And I surely wouldn't have considered her someone that I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I said some mean and hurtful things, for that I'm truly sorry.
But when you're being rejected, you just feel out of control. You can't imagine why this person doesn't want to be with you. Fact of the matter is, I was a wreck for a couple of days.
But if you act out of emotion, you're not going to act rationally. Emotion is the enemy, and if you give in to it, you can't function properly.
Once I got my emotions under control, I realized that I was responsible for the break up, too. Did my ex girlfriend contribute to the demise of the relationship? Certainly, but so did I.
It's the little things. I can see now that we did get a bit stale and complacent, and we got lost in the routine of our everyday lives.
When you're single and looking for a mate, you have a bit of an edge. You're hungry. Sometimes, once you get what you want, over time, you might stop doing the little things that made the relationship so great in the first place.
My girlfriend and I never stopped being good at the big stuff, but we got a little sloppy at the little stuff. At least I know I did.
I know I stopped worrying about my appearance as much, and I put on a few pounds. One of the nasty things I said to Jess the other night was that I blamed her for me putting on weight. Like she forced me to eat or something.
Fact of the matter is, going out to eat was one of our favorite things that we did together. It was the intimacy of being together, but that didn't mean I couldn't push myself away from the table.
When you put extra weight on, you don't necessarily want to dress snazzy anymore. When I was single, I worried more about my fashion. After I entered into a serious relationship, I started caring about that less and less.
It's important to keep up the passion in a relationship, and sometimes, that gets lost in the shuffle. And once the passion goes away, the feelings go away, or they get buried underneath all the negative stuff, and they're very hard to recover.
But, I've learned that you have to accept a break up. Do you like it? No, but if you stay in denial and don't deal with the fact that the relationship is over, it's very hard to move on.
I now see where she is coming from, and I respect her decision.
I have to ask myself, did I grow during the past three years? I certainly did. I can say that pretty confidently. I know I did. I can honestly say that the relationship I had with Jess was the first one that was based on REAL, mutual love, and not infatuation.
Some of my relationships in the past were based on a lot of things besides real intimacy. I never thought I could be truly intimate with someone before I met Jess, but I was with her. Total intimacy is sharing everything with one another. Your hopes, your fears, your dreams, everything.
My girlfriend did a lot of wonderful things for me, and I for her. Before her, I never placed any real value on myself in terms of what I thought women thought of me. Now I put great value on myself, because she made me feel valuable and special. And hopefully, I made her feel those things, too. Actually, I know I did, and that's why it was such a great three years.
I learned a lot about myself with this relationship, but I also learned that I still need to work on some stuff.
I know that I can now have a relationship and make it work. In my next relationship, I understand that I'll need to work on things to make it last for the long-haul (if that's what my partner and I want, of course).
And there will be a next relationship for me. When you lose the love of your life (and Jess was that for me in so many ways), you think you'll never have that kind of love for another person. But obviously you can if you want to.
The key is not to dwell on the past and let it control you. In years past, I would let a failed relationship eat at me for months, and sometimes years. But with age comes wisdom, and I'm better equipped to deal with things like this than I was years ago.
There are wonderful online resources and wonderful friends that help you get through times like these. Years ago, I didn't want to move on. I stayed in the misery, but I refuse to do that anymore.
You have to look at a relationship ending as just a closed chapter in your life. As long as you're breathing air, there will be always be other chapters.
Of the many emotions I've been feeling over the past few days, one of the good ones is excitement.
I'm looking forward to working on me, and concentrating on making myself a better person.
I can look at this as an opportunity to work on my career, get in better shape, and concentrate on doing many new and interesting things.
I'm the kind of person who is great at multitasking with things like blogging and cleaning my apartment, but when it comes to major things like a relationship or my career, I tend to put most of the focus on the one thing and not the other.
I have many ambitions and desires for myself, and I think I have a ton of potential. Maybe now I can start finding that potential.
The world is my oyster. I know times are going to be tough, and since the break-up is so fresh, I'm still going to be feeling many emotions, but I know I'll be OK in the end.
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