Every team has a Blame Monster lurking in the shadows, complete with a hearty appetite that must be satisfied, especially after a loss, when the hunger pangs are at their strongest. Your average Blame Monster will dabble in a variety of dishes, but he always chooses a favorite that he goes back to time and time again.
The Pittsburgh Penguins Blame Monster loves goaltender Marc Andre Fleury so much, the creature put on 50 pounds during the 2011 Stanley Cup playoffs.
The Pittsburgh Pirates Blame Monster has feasted upon team owner Bob Nutting so many times, he is considering joining "Nuttings Anonymous."
Just like those other teams, the Pittsburgh Steelers have a Blame Monster, and for five seasons, his object of desire was offensive coordinator Bruce Arians. The Blame Monster had a field-day feasting on Bruce. The beast loved to chew with his mouth open while eating, and really weird sounds would come out, like, "I know Lebeau's unit gave up a 92-yard drive to lose the game, but if Arians would have gotten a couple more first downs, our number one ranked defense would never have been put in a position to have to win the game at the end."
Now that Arians has officially "retired," the Steelers Blame Monster will have to change his diet in-order to meet his daily nutritional requirements.
There are many candidates that would easily satisfy the Blame Monster's cravings, but none of them really want to be on the menu. Therefore, my sources tell me that several of the prime choices are reportedly going to great lengths in-order to avoid being the Steeler Blame Monster's next daily meal.
Chris Kemoeatu
The big, undisciplined guard would obviously be a delicious choice for the Blame Monster, and this is why the second that Big Juicy learned of Arians' retirement, he turned to his teammates and said, "screw you guys, I'm going home!"
William Gay
The much maligned cornerback has always been a favorite side-dish of the monster, but now with Arians out of the picture, Gay is in serious danger of being the daily "Chef's Special." Therefore, he is reportedly going to spend the entire offseason carrying around a Rob Gronkowski blow-up doll in the hopes that it will do for him what carrying around a football does for a running back with a fumbling problem.
But just in case this doesn't work, Gay has apparently been lobbying for the return of former Steelers safety Anthony Smith. Why? Well, because every defensive back looks good compared to Anthony Smith.
Rashard Mendenhall
The Steelers Blame Monster has been known to graze on Mendenhall from time-to-time, but with B.A. no longer in the pantry, the running back would certainly move up the menu pretty fast. And this is why, among other things, Rashard has agreed to be one of the first contestants on the new hit show: "Not Dancing With the Stars."
He's also decided to delete his Twitter account, paint his house red, white and blue, and has enlisted in the Army Reserves.
Lastly, just to give himself a little more insurance, he's convinced Isaac Redman to go on a beer and cake diet this offseason.
Future Offensive Coordinator
The future offensive coordinator would obviously be a meal all by himself for the Steelers Blame Monster, and that's why his car is already sporting a bumper sticker that reads: "I brake for fullbacks." He also will reportedly wear a t-shirt to his introductory press conference that says, "If Running the Football is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right."
Ben Roethlisberger
The Blame Monster has only hunted Big Ben for sport in the past. He'd call up talk shows disguised as "Bob from Greensburg" or "Randy from Mt. Washington" and say stuff like, "I wouldn't trade Ben for any quarterback in the world, but he aint no Brady. He just needs to stop being such a hot-shot and start throwing the football away! I don't want to hear about no Super Bowls. He had to win that second one in the last minute. You tellin' me that's an elite quarterback? He aint no Montana!"
Now with Arians out of the picture, the Blame Monster would love to feast on Ben any chance he gets. After all, Roethlisberger and Arians are practically the same species. But Ben is just way too stubborn to try and avoid the Blame Monster, and he'll never make himself less appetizing--it's like he's been to a few Super Bowls or something--therefore, he's apparently been begging the Steelers to hire Josh Mcdaniels to replace Arians as offensive coordinator. Sure, this wouldn't do much to enhance Big Ben's stats, but it sure would keep the Blame Monster occupied. Mcdaniels would be tastier than a triple decker chocolate cake with a Sundae chaser to the Steelers Blame Monster.
Mike Tomlin
As Head Coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Tomlin is never too far off the Blame Monster's radar, but with Arians around for so many years, Coach was able to keep the monster pretty much at bay. However, with Arians gone, Tomlin would represent a season's full of meals for the Blame Monster. Fortunately, Mike is verbally gifted, and he's apparently going to put his talents to great use at future press conferences by using Arians name in place of other words while discussing negative issues.
Some examples include, "(insert player here) has a torn Arians Cruciate Ligament," and "you can't Arians the football over that many times and expect to win the game," and my own personal favorite, "Commissioner Arians is probably going to fine me for saying this, but that penalty was a bunch of B.A."
Well, there you have it. Now that the season is over and Bruce Arians is a Steeler no more, the Blame Monster will be going into hibernation for a few months. But you can rest assured that his appetite will be bigger than ever when he arises for another season of Steelers football. It will be interesting to see who he chooses as his next meal.
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