Jessie Lynn is the number one ranked girlfriend in the world

I've been dating Jessie Lynn for the last two years and in my opinion, she's the best girlfriend in the world. There are many great girlfriends out there, but she is, by far, number 1.

I have my reasons.

Number 1: The Puppy dog face. She has the best puppy dog face that I have ever seen. And when she uses her whimper along with the puppy dog face, I can't say no to anything she wants. I try to say no, but there is just no use.

She has three puppy dog faces that she uses: Sad puppy dog face. Angry puppy dog face. And scared puppy dog face. All three are equally effective. Someday, they're going to score her a Porsche.

Number 2: She buys me things. I mean, good things. Why, right now, as I write this, she's buying me black shoes to go along with the black pants that I didn't know black shoes went along with. For years, I've been wearing brown shoes with black pants and never knew that was a fashion no-no.

She also buys me socks and underwear. Like Seinfeld said, most guys will wear their underwear until there is nothing but the waist-band left. And I have a pair of undies that are pretty damn close to that.

She also convinced me to wear a tie last week. Me! What's next? A suit?

She buys me excellent dvds. Let's see, there's The Road to Super Bowl XLIII, The Office season 2, Scrubs season 1, There's Something About Mary, Rocky, The Incredible Hulk season 5......I could go on, but that would take forever.

Number 3: She got me into watching Desperate Housewives. And now I'm upset that I'm way behind in the series and really want to find the time to catch up.

She also introduced me to the wonders that are Elf and Anchorman.

Number 4: She is really into sports. Of course, she loves the Penguins and Steelers. My kind of woman.

But she also thinks Tom Brady is a d**kwad, Ray Lewis is a jackass, the Flyers are nothing but bitches, the Capitals are bitches, Ovechkin is Obitchkin, the Penn State Nittany Lions suck, and the Cowboys suck mega-c**k.

I mean, how can she not be the best girlfriend ever?

Number 5: I'm sexy. I know, right? She's a keeper.

Number 6: She has improved my social status.

For years, I could never get into parties, but now, people say, "okay, you're invited, but only if you bring Jessie Lynn."

I have earned the respect of men. Before, the guys would mock me and they wouldn't want to be friends with me. They would say stuff like, "you suck at flag football, you suck at volleyball, you suck at cards, you can't play any instruments, your singing sucks, and your writing is totally lame. Why in the hell would anyone want to be your friend?"

But now when I tell them I'm dating an attractive 23 year old, they say stuff like, "Hey, you can be my friend. You can also be friends with my other guy friends and if you want, you can be our leader and teach us stuff. Here, want some money?"

I have become more desirable to women. Before, women would say stuff to me like, "you're ugly, you're not in great shape, you don't know how to dress, you're kind of going bald, and you're stupid. Why would I want anything to do with you?"

But when they find out I have an attractive 23 year old girlfriend, their attitudes change. Now they say stuff like, "wanna do me?"

I don't take them up on their offer because, after all, I have the number 1 ranked girlfriend in the world. It can only go downhill from there.