The Top Twelve Reasons Why I Haven't Watched the World Cup

12. Nobody ever talks about soccer any other time. In the past four years since the last World Cup, nobody has said to me: "Hey man, want to come over and watch the big Chelsea vs. Liverpool game?" Nobody ever mentions soccer at all so why should I start to get into it now?

11. No soccer moms anywhere to be seen.

10. No fantasy leagues and if there are World Cup fantasy leagues, I can't imagine how one could possibly accumulate points. And even if there was a fantasy league for soccer, I'd be totally lost during the draft. I'd have to buy a draft-guide or something.

9. Mark Madden likes it.

8. They keep blowing those stupid vuvuzelas. I have a fear of bees. I mean, it's a phobia and I don't want to sit for three hours and listen to a sound-effect of a whole swarm of them.

7. No Terrible Towels.

6. Very little scoring. If I wanted to watch a bunch of games that ended 1-0, I would watch more Pirates games.

5. There are ties. The games last forever, they run up and down the field for hours and often-times, the game will end in a tie. And some people get really excited about the tie. If a real low-ranking team gets a tie over a world power in soccer, the country they represent will go nuts and start dancing in the streets. Parades are thrown and the players become national heroes.

You'll see people singing songs in the streets. Stuff like: "A tie! A tie, a tie! Da da, da da, da da, da da, da da! A 0-0 tie! Hooray!"

T-shirts commemorating this tie are printed:
A gallon of milk: $17
A gallon of gas: $84.
A 0-0 tie vs. Brazil: Priceless.

And on the flip side, if a world power ties an underdog, there are riots in the streets. Governments are almost overthrown.

Speaking of that............

4. People die. You know how sometimes in this country, when a player screws up a crucial play or an official makes a bad call, death-threats are sometimes directed towards certain individuals? Well, in countries with really rabid soccer fans, they often mean it when they say it. Referees disappear. Players vanish never to be seen again. They're not fooling around. Garbage isn't dumped on someone's lawn. Bodies are.

3. Embellishment. If I wanted to see guys rolling around on the ground embellishing innocent looking collisions, I would put WWE Smackdown on and watch the referee lay on the ground, "unconscious" for six minutes after being accidentally knocked into the ropes.

2. They don't use their hands. If you catch the ball, it's a penalty? I can't play that.

And the number one reason why I can't watch the World Cup:

1. When a player rips off his shirt exposing his washboard abs and rock hard pecs, it reminds me that I have a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.